A Letter from Lancaster County by Kate Lloyd

Author:Kate Lloyd
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780736970228
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers

SIXTEEN

Rose

With no electricity, the second floor lay swathed in darkness at 7:00 p.m. Clad in my pj’s, I left the bathroom carrying a flickering candle housed on a brass base. Its flame made the world sway and pulse. The ticking clock in my room served as my beacon, guiding me to the bed. I set my candle on the bedside table and climbed between the sheets.

I’d left Silvia on the couch and Angela tidying up from our dinner of tuna sandwiches, this time on untoasted bread. With the electricity out, the world offered little entertainment. The candle didn’t provide enough light for me to thumb through Silvia’s book Hummingbird Gardens. I’d never enjoyed grubbing in the dirt, planting annuals, or deadheading my rhododendrons, but if Silvia and Glenn liked gardening there must be something to it. And wouldn’t it be delightful to have hummingbirds visit me?

Raindrops plinked a constant refrain against the roof. As the tempo picked up, I got lost in the sound and was sucked back in time. I was fifteen again, standing in the shower stall sobbing as I attempted to wash Dirk’s slime away. The hot water scalded my skin. I scrubbed myself with antibacterial soap, but it didn’t remove his filth. I felt dirty inside, making me hate the body that just that morning I’d admired in the mirror. I couldn’t tell anyone what he’d done to me. Gossip swarmed through high school halls like wasps. I’d never be able to show my face again. My parents—even Angela—would revoke their love. I’d be an outcast.

Weeks later, my breasts grew tender and waves of nausea took over my body like a serpent, sending me heaving to the toilet. I dropped weight like a bulimic and missed my period for more than a month. All I could think about was freeing myself from this cesspool. Finally I did the only thing I thought I could. It was half Dirk’s, the monster I loathed and the product of violence. I figured no child deserved that heritage.

Picture this. During my ordeal, Dirk passed me in the school halls without a glance. To him, I didn’t exist. He’d been drunk that night and couldn’t remember my unforgettable face. How would any guy view a girl who’d traipsed off to his van after one measly dance? What happened was my fault. Over time, coping with my misery, I began excusing him. I’d intended to remain a virgin until I married. I’d intended to demand respect from the boys I dated. What a laugh. I turned the hatred inward to the source of my pain. Me.

I heard a rap on my door. Angela entered the bedroom holding a flashlight releasing a dim beam, its batteries low on juice. She closed the door quietly as if she were hoping Silvia wouldn’t hear. Still dressed and wearing a plaid lap blanket as a shawl, she perched on the edge of the bed. A cool current of air followed her, disturbing the flame and elongating the shadows.

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